Joan Rivers Quotes That Are Too Funny Not to Read


A forever icon – Joan Rivers knew how to make anyone laugh. She was one of the boldest, most hilarious talk show hosts maybe ever. Joan Rivers quotes will give you just the laugh you need to get through the day.

A New York native, Rivers was known for her raspy voice and a killer attitude. She was a hard worker who had big dreams. Rivers was always unapologetically herself, no matter how cruel her jokes or crazy her latest cosmetic procedure. Up until her death at age 81, Joan Rivers was still working, hosting the adored show Fashion Police. 

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It’s crazy that it’s been almost 7 years since the world lost this icon. Rivers’ spirit will live on through her brazen humor and incredible quotes.

Here are the Best and Most Hilarious Joan Rivers Quotes! 

  1. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
  2. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
  3. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”
  4. “Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.”
  5. “At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”
  6. “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”
  7. “We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”
  8. “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I’d visit him every day.”
  9. “There’s no one to call up and have the same memory bank. … Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman. … I met Harry Truman. … But you know what I mean? Nobody’s interested. They want to know you met Rihanna.”
  10. “Don’t expect praise without envy — until you’re dead.”Joan Rivers quotes
  11.  “You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”
  12. “The book I wish I’d never written is Joan Rivers’s Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology.”
  13. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”
  14. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
  15. “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
  16. “Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives.”
  17. “A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.”
  18. “When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”
  19. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
  20. “My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing: “Pick up, I know you’re there.”Joan Rivers quotes
  21. “There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.—I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.”
  22. “I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”
  23.  “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
  24. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
  25. “I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”
  26. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
  27. “Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”
  28.  “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”

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There will only be one Joan Rivers. Her hilarious words on everything from love to success are just what we need to channel our own boss energy. Let’s celebrate her personality by sharing Joan Rivers quotes with anyone who needs a good laugh.

1 comment
  1. Read these quotes made me laugh AGAIN WITH JOAN Rivers. Reading the quotes AGAIN has made me shed tears from Missing Her wicked Sense of humor! I love you, Joan!

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